Secret Agent Alfred and the Pest of Anne Kirkland
by three-days-late
Summary: Super Secret Agent Alfred F. Jones has new mission: save Anne Kirkland from the clutches of Ivan. If only it were that easy...


**Written for the USUK Livejournal Community's Sweetheart's Weekend. Fourth prompt: Out of This World, or anything AU.**

**Warning: Genderbent England and more crack and action movie cliches than you can shake an exploding stick at.  
**

**Enjoy.  
**

* * *

"Super Secret Agent, Alfred F. Jones, reporting for duty!" Alfred shouted as he walked into the office of his faceless boss.

Yes, Alfred was a secret agent, and he loved his job. He got to travel the world, beating up bad guys and saving the world from eminent destruction on a weekly basis. What's not to love?

"Don't just shout your name out like that, America," the boss hissed. Ah that's right, the code names. The only downside in being a secret agent was that nobody knew that he was the hero.

"I have a new mission for you," his boss slide an envelope across the table. Upon opening said envelope, Alfred discovered it contained pictures of a cute girl with the thickest eyebrows he had ever seen, pigtails, glasses, wearing a sensible skirt, collared shirt, and tie, who appeared to be yelling and some blonde guy.

"Who's my new love interest?"

"Her name is Anne Kirkland. She's the British Prime Minister's daughter who's been working as a double agent for us for a few years now. Her identity has been compromised, and now Braginski has her."

"Damn him!" Alfred slammed his fist on the desk, suddenly filled with passion for this girl he never met. "What's he up to this time? World domination?"

"What else? Anne here is also the only person in the world who knows an ancient English secret that, if Braginski were to discover, would enable him to single handedly control the world. Freedom as we know it would cease to exist! On top of that, in about twenty four hours, Great Britain, America and China will be ending negotiations in London about that nuclear standoff they've been having. If she isn't at that meeting before it ends to reveal that Braginski's been behind everything the whole time, well, let's just say I wouldn't want to be on this planet anymore."

"You know, if she's such an important person, politically speaking, and she's the only one who knows this secret, I wonder why it was you sent her inside Ivan's organization as a double agent in the first place."

"In retrospect, yeah, that was pretty stupid. Well, what's done is done, and now you have to save her. Estonia is downstairs ready to give you any cool gadgets you may need," he turned his back on his agent to face the window behind his desk. "I shouldn't have to tell you this, but the fate of the world depends on you getting Miss Kirkland safely back to England. Good luck America."

"Thanks Boss, I won't let you down."

"I'm sure you won't. By the way, those pictures in your hand will self destruct in about five seconds."

Alfred quickly sprinted from the room, tossed the pictures in a nearby broom closet and epically jumped out of the way just in the nick of time to avoid the explosion.

* * *

  
"This," Eduard, the tech guy, explained, holding what looked like a watch out for Alfred's inspection, "is a W.A.T.C.H."

"Yeah, I know it's a watch…"

"Not a watch, a W.A.T.C.H. Weapons and Artillery in a Timepiece that Conquers Henchmen."

"Only Henchmen?"

"Unfortunately yeah, this will be useless against Ivan himself, but on the plus side it does create one hell of an explosion. And it tells time, so you won't be late in delivering Miss Kirkland to her meeting."

"Works for me. How's Tony?"

"I was able to fix him after your last car chase, and install some upgrades, but his personality chip is still…flawed."

"You say flawed, I say in working order. I don't want Tony to be just like every other talking car you have here."

"Yes but…he curses out everyone but you…"

"So it's a good thing he's my car. Where is he?"

Eduard clicked a button on the remote in his hand and a slick sliver car zoomed in, stopping and popping open the driver's door right in front of Alfred.

"Tony, I've missed you!"

"Stupid f#!ing tech guy taking too long to f#!ing fix me," the car spat out.

"Aw isn't that cute?"

"Very," Eduard said, making his way to the trunk. "I've taken the liberty of loading it with everything you could possibly want or need on your mission." He opened the trunk to reveal as such. Alfred grinned and pulled out his favorite handgun and put that in its holster.

"And here, take this E.A.R.I.N.G so I can help you out when you get in a pinch this time. I could be the difference between life and death."

"You know I don't wear jewelry…"

"Elastic Accessory for Reporting In so No-one Goes-crazy." He handed the agent an earpiece that fit into his ear perfectly and camouflaged itself so it could not be detected.

"I think you're missing a few letter there…"

"As long as it gets the point across." Eduard stepped back and saluted him. "Good luck Mr. Jones. I've met Miss Kirkland on several occasions before and she's a lovely lady and all but, well, you're going to need it."

"Relax Eddy, I'm a professional. I know how to handle myself around a lady."

"For your sake, I hope that's true."

With one last check over from the anxious tech guy, Alfred jumped into Tony and sped off.  


* * *

  
He's not sure how we managed to drive all the way to Russia in two hours considering his starting point was in America, but he chalked it up to some of Tony's upgrades that Eduard mentioned.

Pulling up to Ivan's super secret hideout, he jumped out of the open care door, did a summersault in the air, and landed perfectly right in front of the door. Tony took that as his cue to drive away to a more secure area.

As soon as it was out of sight, Toris, Ivan's butler and Alfred's childhood friend, opened the door.

"Hey Alfred, glad you could make it! Ivan and that girl are in the basement."

"Thanks Toris. Have they been waiting long?"

"No, not at all," he said, stepping out of the doorway to let the agent in, "in fact, Ivan only finished setting up his death machine about a half hour ago."

"Is Anne okay?"

"Yeah, he's not going to start it up until you get there. Where's the fun in that?"

"Is it a freeze ray this time, or a hacksaw?"

"Volcanic lava pit drop."

"There's a volcanic lava pit in the basement?"

"There is now. It's a new room actually. Do you need help finding it?"

"Do you mind? That place is like a labyrinth."

"Not at all, Alfred. Follow me."

He took him sown into the basement and through the many twists and turns in the hallways which Alfred quickly lost track of. Eventually they stopped outside a steel door at the end of a long corridor.

"Well, they're in here. Good luck!" Toris said, and left with a wave.

After figuring out how contraption keeping the door shut worked, Alfred kicked it open and charged in, guns blazing.  


* * *

  
"I'm not telling you anything," Anne stated, struggling in her bonds as she hung precariously over a giant molten lava pit in the middle of the room.

"Then I am afraid you will have to die and watch your country be plunged into nuclear war," Ivan shrugged.

"How can a watch anything if I'm dead, fool?! You really haven't t thought this through. I suggest releasing me and trying to figure out an end to your crazy plan."

"You're rather annoying, aren't you? Please just tell me this ancient British secret so I can kill you quicker."

"No way. My mother died protecting this secret, and I'm not going to let you just waltz on in and steal it from me!"

"Your loss then. I hear being burned alive in lave is a slow and painful way to go. You'll just have to tell me if that is true won't you?"

She gave him the fiercest glare she could muster while dangling for her life like she was, and he returned it with an icy look of his own tenfold, finger hovering over the release button.

"…aren't you going to push it?" Anne asked.

"Wait for it…"

"Ow!" a voice from the outside the room shouted. "Why are there so many doors?!"

"It's a push door," Ivan shouted. Seconds later, the door was kicked open, revealing Alfred F. Jones with his gun drawn and pointed at where Ivan stood.

"This ends here Ivan! Let the girl go," he shouted.

"How nice of you to join us, Mr. Jones. Miss Kirkland here was just about to tell me-"

"Absolutely nothing. I told you I'd rather die than tell you anything!"

"Even at the risk of your country? Without you the British Isles are doomed aren't they?" Anne bit her lip and looked away. "That's what I thought. It's not as hard as you think it is, telling me what I want."

"The lady said she's not talking," Alfred stepped towards Ivan, "so I suggest you just let her down from there before I blow your head off."

"Did I hear you right, you want her down? Alright, I'll get her down."

"Really? You're not such a bad guy after all."

"You bloody git! He's going to toss me into the lava!!"

"What?! Ivan you lied to me!"

"You said down, you never said how." And with that he hit the button, sending Anne Kirkland plunging to her certain doom.

Thinking quickly, Alfred sprinted towards the lava pit, aiming one of his W.A.T.C.H's missiles at the opposite side of the lava pit, causing it to collapse and creating several safe rock platforms in the middle of the pit. Meanwhile Anne had figured out a way out of the ropes that had tied her up, allowing her to land perfectly on one of the rocks.

Now that Anne wasn't in imminent danger of being melted by molten lava, Alfred looked around for something to get her out of the lava pit, only to find that Ivan had fled and hit the room's self destruction button. The timer on the button dashboard where Ivan was standing before said he had about five minutes to get the hell out of there.

"Well that's not good…"

"What's not good?" Anne said from his side, causing him to jump.

"Wha…but how did you…"

"I had a grappling hook on me. So, do you have a plan to get us out of the exploding room?"

"I'm working on it…"

"Brilliant. They sent a complete moron to save me."

"Hey, I don't see you coming up with any ideas!"

"Sh-shut up! That's not the point!"

"_Sounds like you could use some help there America,_" A voice said in Alfred's ear.

"Estonia! Please tell me you have a way out."

"_Of course. I've already sent a distress signal and your current coordinates to Tony. He'll be there in about twenty seconds. Good thing I included that fire proofing in the upgrades_."

"Well?" Anne asked, hands on her hips, "Do we have a way out of here or what?"

"Just be patient for a bit."

"We are about to be blown up and you want me to just sit around and wait for some bloody miracle to happen?!"

"Relax, I've got this." As if on cue, some rocks fell away from the wall, revealing Tony in drill mode making his way to them. Anne jumped and clung to Alfred as some of the rocks fell dangerously close to her head.

"We're over here!" Alfred waved. Tony finished drilling through the wall and pulled up next to him, opening the driver's door for Alfred. Anne, realizing she was still wrapped around the secret agent, blushed and quickly let go to make her way to the passenger's side…which wouldn't open.

"Unlock the damn door," she demanded.

"Tony, come on, the place is about to blow up."

"Not giving rides to f#!ing limeys."

"Excuse me?!"

"C'mon Tony. What if I said the fate of the world depended on it?" After a few moments of deliberation, Anne's door popped open as well.

As soon as they were in, Alfred wasted no time in activating Tony's jets and flying them out through the hole the car had drilled to get in, just as the timer hit zero, causing the room to explode.

Tony landed a few miles away from Ivan's hideout in an abandoned parking lot.

"Alright Tony, set coordinates to London, England so we can get Miss Kirkland-"

"We can't go to London yet."

Alfred turned to face her and blinked. "Excuse me? I don't know if you're aware of this, but there's a pretty important meeting going on there that you really need to be a part of."

"I know, but I can't show my face there yet. Not without Kiku."

"Who's Kiku? Your boyfriend?"

"Jealous much?"

"No! Who'd wanna date you?!"

"Kiku's a friend of mine," Anne explained. "The ancient Britannia secret…well, let's just say there are two parts to it. I'm one, and Kiku has the other."

"So, since Ivan can't have you, you think he's going to go after Kiku's part?"

"You're not as dumb as you look."

"How did he find out about the other part any way? I thought this was supposed to be some kind of carefully guarded secret that only you know."

"Um, well," she blushed and refused to look the agent in the eye, "I…may have told him, back when I was a double agent to try and get his trust."

"And you call me an idiot…"

"Well you are!"

Alfred looked at the clock on Tony's dashboard to see that they still had over half a day to get Anne to London. "Alright, where does this Kiku guy live?"

"Tokyo."

"Oh no problem, that's just on the completely opposite side of the world from London!"

"Well what choice do we have? We can't let Ivan get Kiku. Besides, showing up at these meetings at the very last second is way more heroic than getting with half a day to kill."

"Fine, we'll go save Kiku. Tony, set new coordinates for Tokyo, Japan."

* * *

  
Ivan watched the car fly off to the east. Quickly he pulled out is cell phone and dialed the first number on the speed dial.

"_This better be good Ivan…_" a man's voice said on the other end.

"It's just as I said would happen. They're on their way to Japan as we speak. Please tell me you're ready."

"_Who do you think you're talking to? Of course I'm ready. My awesome plan has been ready for weeks!_"

"_My_ awesome plan."

"_That's what I said, my awesome plan. In a few hours the powers of the Britannia Angel will be mine!_"

"Ours."

"_Right, you just keep thinking that…_"

"You…I should have never trusted you from the beginning! Toris warned me you would-"

"_Betray you like I'm doing right now? Yeah, he's a smart kid. You should have listened. You've been a good pawn though. Maybe I'll give you good position in my New World Order of Awesome. Kesesesese!_"

Before Ivan could say anything else, he had hung up the phone.

* * *

  
The drive (or was it flight? So hard to tell in a flying car) to Tokyo was rather uneventful, save Tony trying to kick Anne out somewhere in the middle of China while they were still moving at some crazy fast speed.

Tokyo proved impossible for Tony to drive through, however, so they left it somewhere downtown and proceeded to head to Kiku's residence on foot.

"So, how do you know this Kiku again?"

"I told you, he's a very dear childhood friend."

"That you trust with the power to destroy the world."

"Yes. Is there something wrong with-?"

Before Anne could finish her thought, Alfred grabbed her and pushed them both to the ground.

"Get off me tosser! What is the meaning of-" At that moment, a bullet embedded itself in the pavement right where Anne would have been had Alfred not been on top of her at that moment.

"Ivan doesn't use snipers," the agent muttered, "He'd rather do things up close and personal."

"So…what does this mean?"

"First off, move!" He pulled her up off the ground and grabbed her hand as the both started zigzagging through the surprisingly empty streets, dodging bullets left and right as the searched for cover.

"Here!" Anne tugged at Alfred's hand as she darted down an alley which led to a much more crowded street.

"Um…I hate to break it to you, but two blondes tend to stick out in a crowd of Japanese people…" Alfred pointed out.

"If whoever's shooting at us started hitting civilians, people would panic, and it would be almost impossible to find us, blonde or not."  
"I knew that. So, which way does Kiku live?"

"Are you daft?! We're being tailed and you just want to tell them exactly where he is?!"

"Whoever this is, it isn't Ivan, so if they know about us and why we're here, chances are they know about Kiku too."

"Who know about me?" A short Japanese man who had been passing by stopped to ask.

"Just some people trying to kill us, Kiku," Anne absentmindedly replied, waving it off, "but we have it under control, so you don't have to worry."

"Ah, good. I was planning on making nikujaga tonight and then spend a quiet evening at home, so I would hate for something to disturb that."

"Yes, well we have to find you first to make sure you're alright, so we were just planning on going to your house to see if you were there."

"Well, I'm out shopping right now, but would you like me to just head home and wait for you there?"

"If it's not too much trouble…"

"None at all, I was just about done anyway. I look forward to seeing you later then." He bowed and walked away.

"So that was Kiku? Polite isn't he?" Alfred asked.

"Yes, well, sometimes being polite is a good thing."

"He's the guy we're supposed to find and bring to London so the bad guys can't get him right?"

"Yes."

"And you're just letting him walk away?"

"Don't be stupid, we're going to meet him at his house."

"And we couldn't just leave for London with him right now because…?"

Anne blinked. "Shit. Kiku!" she shouted down the street.

"Yes?" he shouted back.

"We don't have to go back to your house; we can just meet you right now!"

"That makes sense, I was wondering what the purpose of all that back and forth was." He started walking back to where they were standing, but about halfway there, someone dressed in black popped out of one of the shops, grabbed him, and disappeared back inside before anyone who wasn't paying attention could notice.

"Kiku!" Anne shouted and started to run after him, but stopped when she felt the gun pressed against her back.

"Miss Kirkland and Mr. Jones I presume?" A German voice whispered in their ears. "Please join me and Mr. Honda for a little chat." He pressed the gun harder into her back.

Alfred immediately went for his gun, but stopped when the man asked, "Are you sure you want to do that? Do you really think you can get it out before I can pull the trigger?"

"You wouldn't kill me," Anne muttered viciously.

"No, I wouldn't, but I'm not above crippling you."

"As long as I'm alive, I'll be fine."

"But I wonder if Mr. Jones here would want that to happen to you."

"He wouldn't care…"

"Really? Is that true Mr. Jones?"

For his part, Alfred really really wanted to say, 'Of course not. My mission is to get her to London alive, no matter what her condition is,' but a feeling that had been growing ever since he met Anne that morning prevented him from saying so, and the crazy German albino with the gun knew it.

"Kesesese, that's what I thought." He pressed the gun harder into Anne's back. "Now, let's join Mr. Honda now."

* * *

  
"Kirkland-san, I'm sorry," Kiku, who was tied to a chair at a giant square table, said as soon as they entered the room, "this is all my fault…"

"Don't be ridiculous Kiku, it's because some idiot can't bluff."

"I always follow my heart. It's never steered me wrong before. Bluffing is just so underhanded and sneaky."

"You are a bloody secret agent! It's your job to be underhanded and sneaky!"

"Okay, all eyes on me now!" The albino had finished tying Anne and Alfred to their respective chairs and sauntered over to the other side of the table. "I assume you all know why I'm here, so let's just cut to the chase. Hand over the power of the Britannia Angel right now, and I'll let you all go unharmed. Anne may even have time to make it to London."

"Fat chance!" Anne spit out.

"Britannia what now?" Alfred asked.

"You mean you don't know?" The German grinned. "Legends tell of an ancient power hidden somewhere in the British Isles of a magical being capable of bringing about miracles. No two stories agree on where this being originated from, but it is common knowledge to those who seek it that it is the sole reason England was able to survive and thrive and eventually conquer half the world. When the British Empire was at its peak, everyone realized the just how powerful the Britannia Angel was, and with that kind of power came corruption and bloodshed of the worst kind. Eventually they decided to lock it away-"

"Question." Alfred interrupted.

"What?"

"Who are they?"

"You know…them. The people at that place during that time who did that thing…you know what I'm talking about."

"You have no idea do you?"

"That's not important! What is important is that they locked the power away to only be used in Britain's greatest need, and now she," he pointed directly at Anne, "has it! She's the Britannia Angel!"

"And when were you planning on telling me this?" Alfred asked, turning an accusing look towards Anne as much as he could from his restricted position.

"Never. It's a need to know basis thing."

"The villain knows, I think that means the hero has a right to know!"

"Yes, who are you anyway? I've never seen you before in my life."

"You can just call me Master, since I'm about to take over the world."

"Since you won't give us a name," Alfred stated, "I can just call you whatever I want. You look like a Florence to me."

"Yes, I can definitely see Florence there." Anne agreed.

"It must be the hair," Kiku added.

"It's Gilbert! My name is Gilbert!"

"Still think you look more like a Florence…"

"Shut up! You are my prisoners! You're supposed to bow at me feet and give me whatever I demand!"

"No, where supposed to escape, right about…now."

Silence permeated the air. Nothing happened.

"Now," Alfred tried again. Still nothing.

"That's weird…"

"So, Miss Kirkland," Gilbert continued, "the Britannia Angel power?"

"You're not getting it."

"Even if I threaten Mr. Honda?" He pointed a gun between the man's eyes to illustrate his point.

"You'd just be screwing yourself. I need him to unlock it."

"What if I threaten Mr. Jones?"

"Go ahead. He's a right git anyway."

"Then there's no reason to keep him alive," Gilbert walked to where Alfred was and wasted no time in pointing his gun at the back of the agent's head and firing.

"No wait!" Anne cried out as gunshot rang out and Alfred's eyes went wide. Carefully, she looked over to see that he was perfectly alright.

"So I can use him, interesting."

"Blanks...what a cheap trick…" Anne muttered darkly.

"Yeah and here's a cheaper one," Alfred jumped up and punched Gilbert in the jaw before he could realize what happened.

"Estonia, can we escape yet?"

"_Yeah sorry about that, but his system was a bit harder to crack then I thought._" All the lights immediately went out save for the one on Alfred's W.A.T.C.H.

The agent sprung forward and used the hidden knife in the gadget to cut through Anne's and Kiku's ropes like he had he own moments before.

"Why didn't you just do that in the first place?!" Anne shouted while Kiku quietly thanked him.

"Kesesese," Gilbert laughed as he stood up, recovering from the punch, "You think you've won? Well you haven't. Look at the time! You have less than 20 minutes to get to London before the world is launched into nuclear war! No vehicle on earth is capable of getting you halfway around the world that fast!"

"_He's right…I haven't gotten around to installing that feature on Tony yet…_"

"Why are you so happy? It's not like you've one either!" Alfred accused.

"Hey, I'm the villain. As long as you lose, I'm happy."

"We haven't lost yet…" Anne said.

"I hate to say it, Kirkland-san, but he's right," Kiku sighed. "It would take a miracle to get you to London in time...oh, wait, I get it." He pulled at a chain around his neck to reveal a locket hidden in his shirt. After a few moments of fiddling with the clasp, he handed it to Anne, who was then surrounded by bright, white light, blinding everyone in the room. When the light cleared, in Anne's place was a man who looked just like Anne, but had shorter hair, no glasses, wings, and was wearing a toga, sandals, and a halo.

"…the Britannia Angel's a dude?" Gilbert asked.

"Isn't that a bit awkward?" Alfred added.

The Britannia Angel sighed, "We can discuss this later, but right now I believe Alfred wanted a miracle granted?"

"Right, we need to get to London, but can you really do that?"

"I'm the Britannia Angel, I can do anything." He waved his wand, whisking the three of them away.

* * *

Alfred landed hard right outside the door where the meeting was taking place, Anne right by his side.

"Where's Kiku?"

"I just dropped him off at his house. He doesn't need to be here, so it's more convenient for everyone. So, Mr. Secret Agent, it looks like you were able to complete your mission."

"Yeah, the world is saved as soon as you walk in there I guess."

"You…aren't going to stick around until it's over though, are you?"

"Well, I should probably go back to headquarters…but who knows what could happen at this meeting? I mean, someone might try to kill you!"

"And I'm sure even more weirdoes will come out of the woodwork looking for the Britannia Angel's power." She wrapped her arms around Alfred's neck. "I might need a bodyguard from now on…for my own protection, of course."

"True, I'd hate to have gone through all this trouble only to have you killed next week by someone else…"

"_I'll talk to the Boss and see about getting you assigned as Anne's personal bodyguard,_" Eduard said, "i_f that's really what you want._"

Alfred looked into Anne's eyes and smiled. "Yeah, I'd like that."

* * *

_**Will Alfred and Anne have their happily ever after? Can the Britannia Angel's secret be kept? What ever did happened to Gilbert Wiellscmidt? Is 3 even considering writing a sequel? Find out...maybe.**_


End file.
